When the calendar finally turns to September, I officially declare that it’s fall (never mind the “official” start date is much later). The humidity is creeping away, the plants are turning from deep green to crispy brown, and the combines are making their way out of the storage sheds. Since all signs are pointing to fall, I broke out the apple candle and the pumpkin decor and these things make me so very happy!
Around the farm, Farmer J has been busy selling and applying cover crops across central Iowa. He a partner have a great little business called Iowa Cover Crop where they act as your one stop shop for cover crops. They sell nearly any seed and apply it with a airplane or a Hagie (a really tall tractor). We also started chopping silage for the cattle. Earlage will come soon along with harvesting corn and soybeans (yes, we actually planted soybeans this year!) Basically, it is time for me to be a single parent for a while . . . boo.
September also marked Little Bub’s sixth month of life. Wow. It really has gone fast (as everyone warned). The little guy can crawl around and chase the cat, eat solids, and sit up all by himself. His sleep is still erratic…but after six months I am well practiced at functioning on about 6 hours of interrupted sleep.
Looking back on the last six months, I have realized what a paradox motherhood really is. In so many ways, I can’t wait for Bub to grow up. I can’t wait for him to be able to run around outside and ride in tractors, but I know that likely means Dad will become his favorite sidekick. I can’t wait for him to sleep through the night, but I will miss holding his tiny body close to mine while the world around us is silent. I am excited to see him with a face full of spaghetti sauce when he finishes a meal, but I will miss the excitement in his eye as I bring a spoon full of food toward his mouth.
Motherhood is weird like that.
Also, in this six months, I have really fallen in love with my son. From the moment he was born, I felt a powerful responsibility for him, but I never felt comfortable saying gushy statements like “It was love at first sight.” It was amazement, awe, and shock at first sight . . . combined with terror, fear, and tears.
He came out a stranger to me despite carrying him around in my body for nine months. It has taken me time to get to really know him and truly fall in love with him. For me, that has meant falling in love with his strengths, weaknesses, and weirdness. Things like the way he shrieks and spits to show joy, knowing that he will be still and happy if he is laying in the grass, watching a well meaning person try to sit down while holding him (knowing that he probably won’t be happy there for long), and seeing his mischievous grin has he pushes his boundaries.
The above statements felt hard to admit during his first few months of life. Maybe because I was waiting for a certain moment to feel that deep deep love. It turns out that feeling is something that has been growing with the passage of time. Something that I am sure will keep growing and evolving over my lifetime as Bub’s mom.
Again, motherhood is weird like that.
Happy fall y’all.